If You're Reading This
by Paris-Syndrome
Summary: What if Elliot didn't make it back?  Rated T for language.
1. Finding Out

A/N: Ok no there's nothing here that's the fun E/O we all love. Itʼs a sad sad story I tell you. With a little humor thrown in. I promise!

This is going to be a short story wrote in six chapters for all six verses of Tim McGrawʼs "If You're Reading This" and I hope ya'll like it:)

Does anyone remember that episode where Elliot went to like Prague or somewhere to get the girl back? Ok well the same thing happened here only...something happened along the way. Tear And Elliot and Olivia are merried! lol Yes I meant to have the E there. R&R Plzzzz!!!!

DiScLaImEr: Thought I'd shake it up a lil lol. And in the words of Mariposa. Dick Wolf owns them. Lucky Bastard!!!!

OHHH One more thing. I just go done watching the first eppy of season 9 and they changed everyones pictures at the beginning. CASEYS!! OMG CAN YOU SAY GORGEOUUUUS! Anywho. I freaking LOVED it! 'Specially when Elliot bent over the table and winked! He can bend over me anyday! lol

**  
IF YOU'RE READING THIS**

"Hello?" I answered smiling thinking it was my husband who had been gone for five days now.

"Mrs. Stabler?" The unfamiliar voice on the other end asked.

"Ok I don't want to buy anything or update anything. I have enough crap around here as it is." I really wasn't up for a telemarketer. The woman laughed on the other end.

"No mam. I'm not trying to sell anything. I'm Casey Novak's Assistant, Julie, and she went running out of here like a bat out of hell yelling at me to call you and meet her at Mercy General A.S.A.P."

"Did she say why?"

"No mam. She just said it was urgent." Terror swept over Olivia thinking something was wrong with Don, or someone had been shot while out on a call.

"Alright. Thank you very much Julie."

"Your welcome Special Agent Stabler. I always wanted to say that." Olivia laughed as she told the younger woman goodbye.

I was walking down the sterile hallways of the hospital trying to find the right elevator. _God these places give me the chills. _I've had seen to many victims pass through my life, meeting almost all of them for the first time right here on a examination table being poked, prodded, and having there privacy invaded for a second time. Just as I was stepping on the elevator lost in thought I bumped into someone.

"Oh I'm so- hey Fin. Did you finally give in and shoot your partner?" I asked the detective I use to work with. Fin laughed.

"No but everyone keeps asking that. Seems like only Casey and Cap knows what happened. But No I haven't shot his skinny ass yet." I laugh as we ride up the rest of the way in silence leaving ourselves to think our own thoughts of whatʼs going on.

I stepped off with Fin and noticed Lake, Cragen, Alex, Munch, Casey, and Melinda. I scrunch my brow looking at each of them intently trying to figure out who's missing or injured.

"So. I'm here. Which one's been shot?" I say smiling and noticing everyone else's pathetic attempts to smile. Out of no where Melinda and Alex come over and hug me and I look over at Casey who has her back to me and looks as if she's crying. I try to console two of my best friends but I have no idea what the hell is going on. I look at Don because I'll know he'll tell me. He looks me in the eye, then down at the floor. I pull away from Melinda and Alex quickly.

"Wh-What's going on?" I feel my stomach turning but I'm not sure if that's from my five month old baby or the feeling something is terribly wrong. I make my way over to where Don is standing comforting Casey. "Don?" He looks at me like he has all the worldsʼ sadness leaning on him. _I'm going to cry without knowing what's wrong._ "Someone tell me what the hell is going on!" I say raising my voice involuntarily.

"Olivia there was an accident." I shoot a look to Melinda.

"Okay?"

"The plane Elliot was on was due back early this morning but it went down late last night. Everyone was killed." Don is looking me right in the eye but I know he's lying. This is all a bad dream.

"W-Wh-What?" My voice breaks. "No. Thatʼs impossible. He called me last night from the plane. I talked to him dammit!" I'm yelling. The room is spinning and I'm either going to throw up or fall. Or both. "I just talked to him!" I fall against Don, hitting his chest with the side of my fist. Munch and Fin move to help but I can feel Don shaking his head. "I just talked to him." I say into his chest. "This can't be right Don. Please say it's not true." Don's body is shaking and I think he's crying with me.

"I'm sorry Olivia." His arms wrap tighter around my body.

"NO DAMN IT! I REFUSE TO BELIEVE YOU!" God I've lost it. I try to push away from Don but he's holding on and I finally give in letting him embrace me while my body shakes violently with my sobs. "I need-I need to get to the bathroom." I took off as fast as I could towards the bathroom. As soon as I hit the door I leaned over that porcelain bowel and empty the contents of my stomach quickly. I was dry heaving and gagging when I heard the door open.

"Liv, honey?" Casey unmistakable voice invaded my senses. "Are you okay? I mean as okay as you can be right now." Casey silently kicked herself. I flushed the toilet and stood up clinging to the sink for dear life. Casey came over and wetted a paper towel and started wiping my forehead.

I looked into Casey's eyes. They were clear green but had red surrounding them.

"Please tell me I'm in a horrible dream, Casey. Please." That was all I got out before the darkness settled in around me.

Five Days Later

I woke up reaching for Elliot but I just kept reaching until my hands fell off his side of the bed. That's when reality hit me and I remembered that I'll never again wake up to that wonderful man. The picture on our side table is from our wedding. He had come up behind me and wrapped his arms around my stomach and I looked up at him and he looked down at me and we started kissing right when the photographer took the picture. My dress was flowing around both of us and it looked like we were standing on a cloud. I never pictured myself doing the whole wedding thing. At least not a big one. With all the people and the big dress and the big cake but I did. And Elliot never rejected to anything. He just paid for it. I roll onto my back and realize I'm crying. Hard. "Elliot why did you do this to me?"

"Honey he didn't do it to you. Believe me. He never wanted to leave you. Olivia, you and that baby meant the world to him." I lean up on my elbows and see Elliotʼs mother standing in my doorway.

"Mrs. Stabler. How did you get into my house?" She laughed her blue eyes full of sadness as she smiled.

"Child he gave me a key before he left and told me to check in on you from time to time. I'm sorry I never came over." She looked down at the floor. I roll off the bed and walk over to her clad in one of Elliotʼs dress shirts. I wrap her into a hug and we both let go. Cry freely with each other until we can't anymore. I pull back a few minutes later and look at her. "I use to do this." She says fingering the sleeve of the shirt I'm wearing. "I would dress in James' shirts after he died. Just to be around him. It get's easier. I promise." She says with a sad smile. "Now we need to take care of you and my little granddaughter." She says placing a hand on my stomach. "So lets go get some breakfast then we'll go to the lawyer's office. Together." I smile and nod as I turn around to get ready.

When I make sure the door is closed and I'm standing in the bathroom with that door closed I talk to Elliot.

"Damn it. You bastard you know I think your mother is a freaking nut case. And you know she is!" I say pointing to the ceiling. I see that shit eating grin he would be wearing as I walk out the bathroom door to the closet we share. Shared. I shake my head and pull out a pair of jeans and a red maternity t-shirt. It may be March and a still a little chilly but I'm fucking hot. I walk into the bathroom and put on a little foundation and keep my hair down. I'm pregnant. Who cares what I look like? _I'm always sexy_. I laugh out loud at the thought. I walk out of the bedroom and I am met with his mother standing right in front of the front door with her purse on her shoulder. I'm not sure how long I was in the bedroom.

"I'm sorry. Did I keep you waiting?" She smiled.

"Child! A woman never apologizes for making people wait while she's getting ready! And especially not the Detective Benson I know or Special Agent Stabler. I love that!" I laugh politely at her out there ways. _God this woman is going to drive me crazy._

We make our way out the front door with her arm looped through mine. I silently curse Elliot again.

I stare across the desk at Casey as she goes over the papers.

"So?" I ask feeling agitated. Casey looks up at me then back at the paper's then up at me again. "I'm sorry Casey I know that's the hundredth time I've asked." She put the papers down and smiled at me.

"It's fine Liv. These basically say that the house is yours, the money will be divided between all five children and you-"

"Give it all to them. I don't want it." I say tears streaming down my face.

"Honey. When you two got married he doubled his life insurance. The children have enough to get them through college and never have to work again, and still have money left over. You have enough to quit working and be able to raise this baby and send her to a good school." I feel myself start crying even harder and I can't control it. Casey runs over to me and holds me crying along with me.

"Casey I can't raise this baby by myself. She's going to look just like Elliot. I just know she is."

"Baby you're never alone. You have me and Alex and Melinda and the whole squad not to mention the FBI all there with you. And the Stabler army." She says looking at me smiling. "You're not alone." She says it with so much confidence I almost believe her. Almost.

"I need to get going. The nutcase is waiting for me." I smile.

"Oh Liv before you leave Elliot wanted to give this to you if he passed away before you. I don't know what it is."

"I do." I say grabbing the letter and walking out the door. "Bye Case."

"Bye hun."

Elliot's mom is in my kitchen cooking me dinner. I just want her to leave me the hell alone. Go away so I can grieve all alone. I look on the coffee table where the white envelope with Olivia Stabler written on the front in Elliot's horrible writing. I reach out and pick it up. I run my fingers over the words tracing each letter carefully with my finger. Olivia Stabler. _It's just a letter Olivia, open it. _I wish I could get a glass of wine about right now. I think back to when Elliot suggested we do this. It was our wedding night and we had just gotten done having sex for six hours straight on every surface we could in that hotel room.

_"Hey Liv?" He asked while he was slowly tracing random patterns on my lower back while I was lying on his stomach. I am the luckiest woman alive was what kept passing through my mind. _

_"Hmm..?" I was so close to sleep and he just snapped me out of it. _

_"I wrote a letter for you last night." Okay. I realized that I hadn't said it out loud. _

_"Okay. Do you want me to read it?" _

_"No. It's incase I die before you do." I snapped my head up at him._

"Elliot Stabler do not talk like that. That is bad luck. You wrote your death letter the night before our marriage?" 

_"Yes. I did. I want you to know how much I love you and there are all sorts of things in that letter that I want you to remember when I'm gone."_

"Elliot we're going to die together. Of old age." I smiled trying not to cry. 

_"Honey, we both get shot at all the time-"_

"I don't care. That's how it's going to work. Got it Stabler?" Elliot leaned up and placed a kiss on my forehead.

"Got it Benson." I smiled and shook my head. "Sorry, got it Stabler." He said with a little army salute. I gave him the one finger salute and bent down and kissed him. 

I realize that I've been starring at Elliot's suit jacket he left draped over the chair when he got home the night before he left. I never picked it up. We made love that night. Three times. I wipe my eyes and face and open the envelope. The noise sounds like my heart, when it was ripped apart the other day. I pull the letter out and open it looking at Elliot's handwriting.

_If youʼre reading this Olivia I'm gone and I am so sorry I left you. This is not the same letter I wrote the night before our wedding. After you told me it was bad luck I burned it the next day. I love you and I always want you to remember that. I never wanted to leave you or my kids. Today we found out that we are going to have a beautiful baby girl. I hope she looks just like you. And I hope, for your sake, she doesnʼt have my temper. But I do hope that she fights just as hard as you and I did over the years. Will you please tell my mom that I don't regret being a police officer just like my father. He and I didn't see eye to eye all the time but I'm glad I could be Detective Stabler. Yes honey, I know you think my mom is a nut case but please don't hate me for sending her over for you. Just remember I'm always looking out for you. Forever and ever. I wish that I could kiss you one more time and tell you how much you mean to me. I love you, and always have, and always will. _

_Your Detective Stabler. _

I'm crying harder now and the last couple of sentences are just blurs. I hear his mother coming out of the kitchen, I quickly hid the letter between the cushion's. _I love you Elliot. _

_**If you're reading this **_

_**My momma is sitting there **_

_**Looks like I only got a one way ticket over here **_

_**I sure wish I could give you one more kiss **_

_**War was just a game we played when we were kids **_

_**Well I'm laying down my gun **_

_**I'm hanging up my boots **_

_**I'm up here with God **_

_**And we're both watching over you**_

A/N: Ok yes. Sad lol. I know I keep killing people in my stories. Its so sad that I do that. I swear I'm not obsessed with death or anything lol. Its just what I do. I kill people. Not in real life. Well at least not a whole lot of people...joking...but ya. Anyway tell me what you thought! If you liked it, loved it, hated it. Okay don't tell me if you hate it.


	2. Forever

A/N: Ok so I totally forgot about this story. Every time I saw it on my computer, I always thought that I had written it as a one shot. I am really sorry to anyone who was reading this. And its going to be five chapters instead of six like I said in the beginning.

Do I really need a Disclaimer? I mean if I owned these people do you think I would be writing fan fic?

White. Brown. White. Brown. White. Brown. Ceiling.. Wall. Ceiling. Wall. Ceiling. Wall. I woke up an hour ago and I've been laying here alternating between looking at the ceiling and the wall. Today I'm burying my husband. The love of my life. My partner. My Elliot. A shrilling noise wakes me out of my intense study of the architecture. I blindly reach for the offending device. "Hello?" I ask rubbing my six month old pregnant belly trying to un lodge my daughters elbow from my ribcage.

"Hey Hun." Caseyʼs voice is thick with worry. I roll my eyes, everyone has been careful around me, thinking that I'm going to snap at any moment. It's really starting to get annoying.

"Yeah Case?"

"I'm about to leave so I'll be there in twenty, 'kay?"

"Okay. Bye." I hang up the phone before she can say bye back. I heave myself out of the bed and let out a sigh of relief as my daughter rolls into a different position. I waddle over to the closet and pull out _the _black dress. The buzzer sounds interrupting my study of the dress. "Did it really just take me twenty minutes to roll my pregnant ass out of bed and walk the seven feet to the closet?" I ask my daughter and open the door. To find Casey standing there in a knee length black dress that hugs her four month old pregnant baby bump. her fire red hair is pulled up into a simple bun with a few wisps left down. She stopped dying her hair when she found out she was pregnant I smile at my best friend.

"I'm glad you're ready." She smiles back. I look down eyeing my black yoga pants, maternity t-shirt, and Elliotʼs dress shirt.

"What can I say?" I shrug. "I'm a whale, it takes me longer than the average person to get ready."

"Shut up." Casey walks into my bedroom and I waddle after her. She hands me the dress and I throw it on the bed removing my clothes. "How're you holding up?" She asks trying not to be to obvious with her prying.

"I'm fine Casey." I grunt trying to get the tent on. "I'm just the size of a fucking building."

"Oh you are not. And I'm pregnant to!"

"Yeah but you're still in the cute preggers stage."

"Oh well thanks for telling me I'm going to be ugly in two months." I finally slide my shoes on.

"You ready?"

"You're not going to brush your hair?" I let out a breath.

"No I'm pregnant. I have natural beauty right?" I smile.

"Right. Lets go."

I walk into the church and sit in the front pew next to Elliotʼs psychotic mother. A vast amount of people past by paying their respects to me. Some I knew. Most I didn't. Elliotʼs school buddies. Marine guys. People he went through the academy with. I sat through the whole service without shedding a single tear. Elliotʼs friends and family surrounding me, crying, bearing their souls, but I was strong. As always.

I still haven't cried. I was listening to the priest say his final words. They handed me a flag, what I'm suppose to do with it I'll never know. I guess I can give it to the nut case. Then Don placed Elliotʼs badge on top of the flag. I traced over his badge number and placed them both in my purse. I watched them start to lower the casket into the dark hole. Then it happened. She kicked me. That was the only movement she had made since the service started. Emotions hit me like a ten ton truck and I collapsed.

I would have hit the ground if Munch, Cragen, Fin, Lake, and Casey hadn't caught me. My cries were loud enough to be heard with in a ten mile radius. My stomach jumped with each sob. I took in a ragged breath. Fin clutched me to his chest. I hit him with my fist with as much power as I could over and over again. My lungs were air tight and I couldn't breath.

Casey intercepted me and I would have collapsed against her had I not known we were both pregnant. I was crying so hard I couldn't hear Casey. "Shh, Liv, hun, your going to be okay. Everything will be fine. I promise. You're going to have to calm down for the sake of the baby." Casey was whispering in my ear. I lifted my head up to look at her. Casey's face quickly became blurry as my tears started to well up again.

"Ca-Casey, he's really gone. He's really gone!" I choke out. "He left me.." I take another loud jagged breath as the tears start to fall, fast. "He left me with a baby Casey! A baby!" I whisper.

"Babe, believe me, he never would have if he had the choice, okay?" Casey had started crying as she looked in my eyes trying to make me understand. "He did not want to leave you or that precious child." She was crying harder, it got worse the more she tried to hold it back.

I cried even harder, my whole body shaking. Here I stood. A once strong and independent woman, now broken and weak. I heard the soft thud of the casket hitting the wet earth. I heard the soft thud of the door closing on my heart. Forever. "Forever, Casey. Forever." I whisper.

**So lay me down  
In that open field out on the edge of town  
And know my soul  
Is where my momma always prayed  
That it would go  
And if you're reading this  
I'm already home **

A/N: Let me know what you thought. Sorry again!!


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